Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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