For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
