I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize