Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
