nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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