i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
