just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I want her autograph on my taint
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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