I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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