Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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