Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
babies were throwing up all over the place
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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