You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I think I died a long time ago.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
