I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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