I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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