his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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