True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
