Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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