Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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