this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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