he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize