my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
