If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize