i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize