I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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