did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
