Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
