Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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