I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
