I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I want to walk on stilts...naked
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
