Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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