Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
