how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
