woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
