Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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