smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
