I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
