I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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