is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
