yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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