My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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