Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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