OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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