The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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