I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
