that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
