i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
