I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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