really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
