Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
