Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
