ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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