hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
