Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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