Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
