I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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