She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
